What To Gather Before You Make Big Divorce Decisions

When people first sit down with me to talk about divorce, they are often carrying several questions at once.

• What happens to the house?
• What will finances look like?
• How will parenting work?
• What needs to happen first?

After more than 30 years in family law and mediation, I have learned that the most useful first step is not making a big decision but getting a clearer picture of what is already there.

Start with the information that shapes your everyday life.

For finances, gather recent tax returns, bank and investment statements, retirement accounts, mortgage documents, credit card balances, insurance policies, loan information, and records connected to a business or inherited property. If one spouse has traditionally handled most of the finances, this can take time and that is completely normal. The point is to understand the household as it exists today, before making choices about what comes next.

If you have children, look at the practical rhythm of their lives. School schedules, activities, medical needs, childcare, transportation, holidays, and the routines that give them stability all matter when parents begin discussing future arrangements.

For parents who would like some guidance with these conversations, I also share the Our Family in Two Homes (www.intwohomes.com) resources. They offer a thoughtful way to reflect on your children’s needs, your parenting values, and how you want to communicate as your family adjusts to new arrangements.

The physical family home deserves the same careful attention. People can feel strongly about staying or leaving, especially when children grew up there or a home carries decades of memories. Before making that decision, understand the mortgage, taxes, insurance, upkeep, repairs, and what living there would realistically cost on one income.

I also encourage people to write down their questions as they come up. They do not need to sound legal.

“What am I most worried about?” is a useful question.

So is, “What do I still not understand?”

Those questions often tell us where we need more information, another professional’s input, or simply more time before a decision is made.

Preparation can be especially helpful in divorce mediation and collaborative divorce because both processes ask people to participate actively in the decisions affecting their family. The clearer the information, the more useful those conversations can become.

Organization also protects against something I see often: a decision made because someone feels pressure to “do something” quickly. Selling a house, agreeing to a financial arrangement, or changing a parenting routine can have consequences long after the initial urgency has passed.

There is no prize for arriving at a first meeting with a perfectly labelled binder.

Bring what you have.
Start where you are.
We can work out what is missing.

If you are considering divorce in Kansas or Missouri and would like to understand what information will be useful before mediation, collaborative divorce, or collaborative mediation, a first conversation can help you get oriented before making the decisions that matter most.

With warmth,

Elizabeth